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An Untapped Force to Stop Bullying

From Bystander to Witness

We all know that bullying, which has become a national epidemic, is being addressed by school districts, individual schools, parents’ groups, religious organization, the media and even government policy makers. Most of the focus has been on thechild who is the target of the bullying and on the bully himself – understanding the personalities and needs of each, providing assertiveness and social skills training for the victim, and helping the bully develop empathy and other sources of esteem, healthy power, and true friendship.

However, there are other players who have been ignored in the bullying dramas that play out in schools and playgrounds: the vast majority of children who may be aware that a peer is being teased and yet do nothing to stop it.

Consider the following facts about bullying:

It has been estimated that 75% - 90% of students report having been a target of a bully at some point during their childhood and 15% of students are severely traumatized by peer abuse. 75 -90 % of children. (Olweus, Bullying at School)
In any one incident, most children are not involved at all.
Children report a higher incidence of bullying than is indicated by adults, suggesting that much of the bullying occurs under the radar screen of adult awareness.
Experts in the field believe that the bully derives much pleasure and satisfaction for his cruel behavior through earning the admiration, and sometimes fear, of his peers.

These facts suggest that the children, who are what Barbara Coloroso calls the silent “bystanders” in her book The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, can become a potent deterrent to bullying. If a bully loses his support and audience and his peers communicate that bullying is not acceptable and won’t be tolerated, he will be deprived of the status and power he derives from his cruel attacks.

Doing something against bullying would require that these bystanders, the children who are not involved in the incident yet are aware of it, become what Coloroso calls a “witness,” someone who is willing to stand up and speak out against injustice and cruel behavior toward others. But this is not an easy thing to do and takes courage for children to resist the tide of peer pressures.

Children can come up with many reasons that help them avoid owning any responsibility for hurtful things that might be happening to another child:

The bully is my friend.
It is not my problem.
She (the target) is not my friend.
He’s a loser.
He deserved to be bullied. He asked for it.
Bullying will toughen him up.
Who wants to be called a snitch or rat?
It’s better to be in the “in” group than to defend the outcast.
It’s too big a pain.

These excuses contribute to the overall erosion of decent behavior in our society and suggest a lack of empathy on the part of these children.

But there are also reasons why kids who are generally empathic don’t speak up even if they want to. They may:

fear getting hurt themselves.
fear becoming a new target.
fear doing something that will make the situation worse.
not know what to do.

Even if your child is not the target of a bully, being exposed to such assaults, especially if he feels at risk himself if he tries to do something to stop it, indirectly harms him. If your child learns to ‘take the high road’ by defending a victim, he will build strength of character, he will learn to act on his empathy, and he will brush off feelings of helplessness. By seeing himself as able to face challenges head on, he is less likely to become a victim himself.

Three ways you can teach your child to do what is right even though it may be difficult are:

Modeling empathy

Children do not magically learn morality, kindness or decency. They mature into decent and responsible people partly by being treated respectfully and with empathy by the adults important to them, and partly by seeing parents act courageously with principles and values standing up for what they believe. Let your children know if you refuse to participate in an activity that discriminates against a particular group of people. Let them see you extending kindness toward a less fortunate relative. Let them hear you defend a friend who is being verbally attacked by another friend. Let them know that you sometimes have different opinions from most of your friends and you aren’t afraid to voice them.

Talking about the ethics of speaking up

As part of these discussions, parents need to show empathy by listening to their children’s concerns and fears about speaking up. They can talk about overestimating the comfort and safety of siding with the bully, since the bully could easily turn on them. Discussing what it means to be and to have a real friend can help a child make good social choices. By encouraging children to think about what actions can be taken in support of a bullying target, parents can reinforce empathy, activism, and good decision-making skills.

Giving children chances to practice being a witness

Encourage your child to display acts of kindness and empathy toward family members, friends, and even pets. Recognize when he does show empathy and kindness toward a child who is not accepted by the peer group.

Parents can talk to their children about the wide range of actions they can take to help the victim and in the process help themselves to develop an ethical code of conduct. These responses range from those that involve the least amount of risk to those that require the greatest courage:

A small gesture such as not repeating a rumor

Refusing to be a party to the bullying (ie – walking away)

Not laughing at a derogatory joke

Supporting the target privately

Inviting the target to socialize outside the larger group

Talking to the bully publically or privately if the bully is a friend

Offering kindness and concern to the target

Intervening on behalf of the target

Telling an adult

Standing with others against the bully

Stepping in alone against the bully

One child at a time, parents can collectively enlist the power of the vast majority who are bystanders, supporting and encouraging them as they become outspoken witnesses. As Robert F. Kennedy said, “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.”

by Audrey Krisbergh

Certified Parenting Educator

Many thanks to The Rotary Clubs of Jenkintown and Hatboro-Horsham and The Kiwanis Club of Jenkintown for their generous support of the News and Views from The Center for Parenting Education.