From Rivalry to Camaraderie: The In’s and Out’s of the Sibling Relationship

By Terry Lynn, Certified Parenting Educator

Kids fight and virtually every parent wishes they did not. One of the common challenges of parenting is dealing with the day-to-day conflicts that occur between siblings. These can seem never-ending and, at times, exhausting. Confusion can also result because it’s not always clear when or how to respond.

Several myths about sibling relationships exist in our culture:

Siblings shouldn't fight with each other.
Siblings should know how to play fairly.
Siblings should be loving toward each other.
Siblings should be able to manage their anger.

If parents believe these statements, their frustration and annoyance can intensify.

In truth, conflict is inevitable when people live together. With siblings there are additional factors that affect how the battles play out, such as age and gender differences, temperaments and developmental stages of each child, birth order, family culture and expectations, as well as the parents’own experiences when they were growing up. For example, young children who are close in age often bicker more and require more supervision than older siblings.

Tips to Ease Those Sibling Rivalry Moments

Safety must come first. Stop hurtful behavior whether inflicted through words or actions.

Prevention is a key to reduce and minimize the frequency of conflicts:

Avoid comparisons.
Give time in terms of need. At times, your fifth grader may need your help with homework more than the youngest needs you to watch cartwheels; at other times, the youngest may need time and attention when he falls off his bike.
Teach children to be assertive with words so they don’t rely on you to rescue them. Of course, keep your eyes and ears open in case things escalate and your presence is needed.
Be a positive role model by using healthy communication to resolve conflict.
Learn about child development so you know what to expect and can be more patient with some challenging behavior.
Plan a daily routine with time apart and give each child his or her own “space.”
Help kids structure time and discover ways to be active and focused.
When possible, arrange a special time or outing alone with each child (a walk, a visit to the park or library). Kids can learn to accept this if they know they will get a turn too.
Be an observer to see if there is a pattern of conflict.

When problems erupt:

Attend to the injured party first instead of giving attention to the aggressor in an argument or fight.
When a child expresses negative feelings about a sibling, acknowledge his feelings instead of dismissing them.
Give a child a way to express angry feelings safely by listening to them or encouraging them to draw or write.
Teach your children ways to manage their angry feelings

The Problem Exploration Process

If you try these tips and notice a recurring battle, you can try a more in-depth problem exploration process. Kids don't come out of the womb knowing how to deal with conflict; they need to be shown how to deal with it nonviolently, constructively, and assertively. The following steps offer a guideline on how to approach conflict resolution in a calm and effective manner.

Step One: Find a good time and place to talk. Don’t try this in the heat of an argument; choose a calmer time. Check attitudes before starting. Are the siblings willing to be respectful and willing to go through the process without jumping to a conclusion?

Step Two: Talk about the problem. Get all the facts. Use good listening skills: show interest, pay attention, don't interrupt. Avoid name calling, threatening, blaming, or insulting.

Don’t rush this step. Allow each person an opportunity to state their perception of the problem with a factual and descriptive account; state why it is a problem; describe what he feels, what he wants or needs and his reasons. Then ask each person to describe the same things from the other person’s perspective (what the other person might feel, need, want and what might the reason be).

Step Three: Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise.

Step Four: Look for a solution that works for everybody and respects each person’s needs.

Step Five: Try the solution. Give it some time. If it does not work, go back to step three and try again.

This process may not be the end to resolving all conflicts, but it does provide a way for children and parents to practice problem solving and listening skills. At first, you may need to be a ‘facilitator’ who helps your children walk through the steps. After a while, you may be surprised to hear them using this process on their own when they have disagreements with siblings or friends.

The Bright Side of Sibling Rivalry

Since sibling conflict is inevitable, it helps to remember that it does have benefits. As one of the longest on-going relationships a person has, sibling interactions have a powerful influence over a child’s development. Siblings teach each other the valuable life skills of resolving conflicts and getting along with others; the rivalry teaches the lesson that disagreement can strengthen relationships. Siblings:

teach and protect each other.
introduce each other to friends and broaden each child’s view of the world.
provide a sense of closeness, belonging and identification.
teach children when they need to change their behavior .
keep each other humble by being a constant reminder that other people have needs and feelings besides themselves.

Remembering that sibling rivalry is normal can help parents to feel less frustrated and to realize that they are not failures just because their children fight. Maintaining healthy sibling relationships is a challenge for everyone in the family; however, the conflicts that occur provide an opportunity for children to learn how to cope, compromise, be patient, be creative, negotiate, survive and be empathic. With your help, your children can build positive relationships with each other that can last a lifetime.

Many thanks to The Louis N. Cassett Foundation, The Rotary Club of Jenkintown and The Kiwanis Club of Jenkintown for their generous support of the News and Views from The Center for Parenting Education.