Giving: The Best Gift of All

“It feels like our society is too focused on material goods.”

“My children have more things than I ever did growing up, but they don’t seem any happier.”

“How do I help my children to enjoy giving instead of always receiving?”

These comments reflect the concerns of parents at holiday time and throughout the year. They want to raise children who feel good about giving to others, but this generosity of spirit does not come naturally to most people. It is up to us as parents to instill kindness and sensitivity toward others and to teach our children skills that reflect generosity. Here are some suggestions to make the concept and the act of giving a part of your regular interactions with your children:

• Model generosity: Think about your attitudes toward charity and what messages you send to your children. Do they reflect the same kindness and sensitivity to others that you would like your children to exhibit? Do your children see you helping neighbors, giving to charity, or donating items to needy people? Often our children are unaware when we write checks for charity or they do not see us when we run an errand for an infirmed neighbor or cook a double batch of dinner for a needy family.

• Talk about your feelings when you give: Tell your children how you feel when you make charitable contributions or give things away to those in need. Do you feel proud, helpful, kind, or generous? Does it make you feel good that you can make a difference in other people’s lives? Take time at dinner or even while driving in the car to discuss what you do to help others and how it makes you feel.

• Do it together: Ask your children to help you when you pack up donations of clothes or household items or when you help a friend. Spend an afternoon at a food bank or at a community clean-up project. Often these activities become the highlight of your family’s time together.

• Praise the giving impulse: When you see your children being generous, point it out and praise them. Help them put into words the positive feelings they may have as they help others. If, for example, your son helps his sister find something she lost, tell him that was a kind thing to do and that he can feel proud for taking the time to help her.

• Create opportunities: Introduce ideas and opportunities for your children to give time, contribute money, or donate personal items. You might, for example, suggest they visit an elderly neighbor who can’t get out much anymore, choose a charity to support, or give some old clothes to a community shelter for women and children. Children usually want to help; they just don’t know how they can make a difference. Talk with them about ways they would want to give back: find activities that are aligned with their interests. For example, if your child loves animals, volunteering time or giving support to an animal shelter might be a good choice. There is no reason why being generous can’t also feed a child’s personal interests; children are more likely to be sincere in their helping efforts when they personally care about the cause.

• Say kind things to them: Saying kind things to others also shows a generosity of spirit. When you say kind things to your children, you are modeling how to do that, while making deposits in their bank of self-esteem and good feelings, so they have more to give to others.

• Be patient: Be patient with their reluctance to donate their possessions, time, or money. Children with certain temperament traits, such as somber moods or a slowness to adapt to new ideas, may have a greater difficulty letting go of their old or outgrown possessions. This is also true of children in certain developmental stages, such as school-age children who have become collectors and are quite attached to such items. Children are naturally egocentric and need to be taught to think of others’ needs. Look for movement and growth toward greater empathy and ‘catch them being good’ when you see it.

• Focus on the good feelings: Acknowledge the positive feelings that accompany giving, even if your child has only selected a single item to give away or has helped for only a short period of time.

At times that traditionally focus on receiving, holidays and birthdays can be great opportunities to encourage your children to give. Patience and modeling will go a long way toward helping your children to develop a spirit of generosity and to discover that giving can be the best gift of all.

By Deb Cohen, Certified Parenting Educator

The Center for Parenting Education