Understanding Temperament: Approach/Withdrawal
Do you have children who are initially shy when meeting new people or encountering new things? Is their first response when trying something new usually a big “no?” Do they seem to prefer standing on the sidelines watching others engaging in activities while they take their time getting involved? Alternatively, do you have children who are bolder and jump right in when meeting new people or joining activities?
The ease with which your children approach new things versus withdrawing from them is one of ten innate temperament traits that every child possesses, and is a contributing factor in helping to make every child unique. Being aware of your children’s temperament, and how they respond to the world around them, can help you to tailor your parenting and your children’s environment so they can feel and be more successful.
What is Approach/Withdrawal?
Approach/withdrawal refers to your children’s first and usual reactions to new things, experiences, places, ideas or people. Some children are more comfortable approaching and trying new things right from the start, while others appear more cautious at first.
This trait is closely tied to the temperament trait of adaptability, which refers to how easily children adapt to changes and transitions following their initial reaction. Most children who are slow-to-approach are also slow-to-adapt.
How can you determine your children’s degree of approach or withdrawal?
Use the following questions to help you identify where your children fall with regard to their first reactions to new things. Track your answers on the following scale from one to five:
- What are your children’s first reactions to new things, places, ideas or people?
- Do they fuss when trying new foods or new clothes?
- As toddlers, did your children cling to your legs when you entered a new place like a school or a store, or when you introduced them to a stranger?
- Do they protest and get upset when you try to introduce new activities or changes in routines?
No Yes
1 2 3 4 5
Outgoing Cautious/Withdrawing
Quick to Approach Slow to approach
Approach/Withdrawal
If the majority of your responses fall to the right side of the scale, then you have children whose initial response to new things is to withdraw. This means that when introduced to someone or something for the first time, their primary reaction is either to reject it or to approach it cautiously. This can be very frustrating to parents who want their children to accept new things with excitement, but instead get children who initially complain and cry. For these children, their natural reaction is to push away any new foods, places, strangers and toys even if you know it is something they would like.
Children with this tendency to withdrawal from new things can benefit when you learn how to support them and help them work through their initial negative feelings. You can give your children permission to take their time to think about new things before they make decisions about them, and give them time to observe and feel comfortable before they have to meet someone or participate in new activities. Give them information to help them feel more at ease in new situations, and allow them a chance to change their minds, knowing that temperamentally their initial reaction to things does not always reflect how they truly feel about them. These children also need your encouragement to know that they can handle and even learn to enjoy new experiences. The benefit of having children who are slow-to-warm is that they tend to be more cautious and think things through before they act. These children who are thoughtful, cautious and careful observers and evaluators are less likely to engage in common adolescent riskly behavior and experimentatio. As adults they can do well in careers in academia, the sciences or law.
If, on the other hand, most of your responses to the questions above fall toward the left side of the scale, then you have children whose initial response to new things is to approach them with ease. These children tend to embrace new activities and enjoy meeting new people and trying new things like foods and clothes. Because their initial response tends to be quick, they may impulsively make decisions and jump into situations and activities without any deliberation. They can use your help to slow down a little, exercise some caution, and think things through before making hasty decisions. As teens, these children may impulsively follow the crowd and would need your encourage to think independently and to evaluate consequences before acting.
Things Parents Can Do
- Understand that approach/withdrawal is a part of your children’s in-born temperament.
- Be aware of how your children react to new things, people and situations.
- Help slow-to-warm children understand that new things make them feel uncomfortable and, when possible, give them permission to take their time becoming comfortable. Don't expect immediate compliance. In this way, you will be fostering an attitude of flexibility but in the child's time frame.
- For children with initial withdrawal tendencies, use foreshadowing to explain what will happen next and what behavior is expected. Explain the sequence of events for upcoming outings or trips. Balance this so that you don't increase the child's anxiety.
- Lower your expectations for initial acceptance of anything new.
- For quick-to-approach children, teach them to think and use caution before jumping in or going along with new ideas or changes.
- Teach children the words to use to express more accurately and appropriately.
how they are feeling
- Learn to work together. Understand how your own temperament, including your own preference for initially approaching or withdrawing from new things, fits or does not fit with your children’s temperament and create strategies to help each other.
- Identify and value your children’s unique temperament and help them to understand the value of their uniqueness.
- Send messages to your children that help them to feel good about who they are, such as
- “It is okay to take your time.”
- “You can think through this situation.”
- “You can change your mind from how you initially felt about this.”
- “You can learn to stop and think before you act.”
- "It's alright that you like to watch before you jump in to participate."
- "Change is difficult for you."
