Developmental Tasks
Another part of the Unique Child is called Developmental Tasks, which are the broad “jobs” of childhood that need to be accomplished in each stage in order for children to learn life skills at the appropriate times. These tasks are essential for their emotional growth and increasing maturity. The degree to which parents support or thwart this process partly determines how emotionally healthy their children will be.
The tasks of one stage do not need to be completely mastered before a child begins the tasks of the next stage. However, the more he works on and masters a task in one stage, the more ready he will be to tackle the tasks that await him as he moves on to the next stage. There is a great deal of overlap as children continue to work on most tasks throughout childhood, even though there is usually one stage at which any one task is most prominent.
Why is knowing this important?
Knowing what tasks your child is working on can help you to parent in ways that are more rewarding for you and more supportive of them. You can help your children work through each stage they are in by modeling and teaching the skills that will help them to grow and successfully complete the particular tasks of their age.
Having this knowledge will help you to be more tolerant and patient and not take their behavior personally. For example, the following behaviors can be very difficult to manage if you don’t know the reasons behind your children’s actions: all the “no’s” and not sharing of toddlerhood; the strict adherence to rules on one hand mixed with breaking rules at other times of school age children; the defiance, opposition and criticalness and peer focus of teens. Rather than blaming yourself or your children for behavior that may be frustrating yet developmentally driven, you can think about ways to respond that affirm them for practicing/mastering their developmental tasks and that help you to cope with these challenging norms. In this way, you will be more intentional about helping them to master the “jobs” of one stage so that they can be prepared to move on to the next stage.
To read about the tasks associated with a given age, click on the link below:
Tasks of infants to 18 month olds
Tasks of 18 month olds thru 3 years of age
Tasks of 4 year olds thru 5 year olds
Tasks of 6 year olds thru 11 year olds
Tasks of 12 year olds thru 18 year olds
The tasks of infants – 18 month olds include:
- learning to trust their environment,
- believing that their needs are important,
- feeling loved and worthy of being cared for,
- establishing a bond with their caretakers.
- exploring their world
Babies and very young children are dependent upon adults for meeting all their needs. They do not differentiate themselves from their parents, and they gain a sense of themselves by taking in their caretakers’ feelings about them.
As parents of young children, you can support your children’s development by helping them to accomplish these tasks by:
- offering consistent and continual care and meeting their needs whenever possible – know that it is important to hold and cuddle your babies when they cry
- being a calm presence in their lives
- increasing their sense of security by establishing and maintaining schedules and rituals (for example, at bedtime, bathtime, mealtime)
- talking to them even though they may not understand the words; they will understand the attention and the warm feelings which are communicated non-verbally
The tasks of 18 month olds – 3 year olds include:
- becoming more independent
- separating and differentiating a bit from the parent
- understanding and being comfortable with ownership of things as a way to define themselves
- continuing to explore their world
- beginning to identify and express feelings in appropriate way
Children this age are very active and move back and forth between wanting to be independent and wanting the security of their parents. One moment they will be negative and use their favorite word “no” (even for things they actually do want) as a way to separate from their parents; and the next moment they will be clamoring for their parents’ love and attention. They become frustrated easily, and their frequent tantrums are an expression of that frustration as well as their lack of communication skills and abilities. They do not share things, even if the things are not their own!
As parents of 18 months to 3 year olds, you can support your children’s development by helping them to accomplish these tasks by:
- making your house baby-proofed so that they can explore and do things on their own with safety and without you having to oversee everything they do
- Setting firm limits around safety issues
- Recognizing that ‘no’ is the beginning of separation and self-assertion
- Permitting and encouraging them to do what they are capable of: giving them two “yesses” for every time you have to say “no” to them
- Choosing your battles, letting go of many issues that do not put them in danger, so as to avoid unnecessary power struggles
- Allowing them to feel ownership of their things and not expecting them to share graciously – they need to fully experience ‘owning’ before they can genuinely share their things.
- Providing a variety of things for your children to experience
- Offering choices as a way to engage cooperation
- Accepting positive and negative feelings
- Teaching the difference between their feelings and their behavior; helping them recognize and express their feelings in appropriate ways
The tasks of 4 – 5 year olds include:
- Gaining initiative (undertaking, planning and ‘attacking’ a task for the sake of being active and on the move) and learning that it is alright for them to be active and involved in activities
- Continuing to explore and acquire information about their world and how it works
- Learning how to use power
- Learning that behaviors have consequences
- Acquiring socially appropriate behavior
Children this age are active and on the move. They ask a lot of questions (how, why, when, how long) as they try to understand the world. They like to try on different identities by role playing and engaging in fantasy play. They can be resistant to their parents’ instructions as they experiment with power in relationships. They also like to be involved in many different activities and some are beginning to be quite social.
As a parent of a four to five year old, you can support your child in accomplishing the tasks of this age by:
- providing information about the world
- correcting misinformation
- answering their many questions
- giving them freedom to explore and experiment (within the bounds of safety)
- following through with appropriate positive and negative consequences to teach about cause and effect and to teach children to be accountable for their actions and decisions
- encouraging their fantasy play at the same time that you help them to distinguish between fantasy and reality
- supporting their involvement in activities that interest them
- encouraging relationships with peers
- giving them opportunities to make decisions about things that effect them so that they gain a sense of control and power over their lives
The tasks of 6 – 11 year olds include:
- developing a sense of mastery and intellectual curiosity
- learning about rules and internalizing them
- developing responsibility
- learning many new skills, including social skills (especially same-sex peer relationships)
- selecting adult role models of the same sex
- continuing to learn how the world works
- increasing their independence
- enhancing their reasoning ability
- developing the capacity to cooperate
Six to eleven year olds also ask a lot of questions as they gather information about the world and how it works. They are very interested in rules and why they exist. They want people to obey rules even though they do not necessarily abide by them. They may test rules, disagree with them, break them or try to set them as they learn to internalize them. They use their more mature reasoning abilities to understand the values that underlie the rules and to differentiate between wants and needs. Along with exploration of rules and the beginnings of a cooperative spirit, games become prominent in their play. Six to eleven year olds are eager to learn new skills, including social skills.
As a parent of a six to eleven year old, you can support your child in accomplishing the tasks of this age by:
- offering a lot of encouragement for learning skills
- allowing, encouraging and helping them to finish tasks
- praising them for efforts and for trying to do things
- being a reliable source of information
- encouraging cause and effect thinking by imposing appropriate consequences, and following through with consequences you set. This will help children to see the results/impact of their behavior
- encouraging skill development by providing opportunities to pursue activities that reflect their interests, foster social interaction with peers, offer opportunities for exposure to role models other than their parents, and enhance their sense of mastery and accomplishment
- affirming efforts to do things in their own way
- teaching them to engage in problem solving exercises, to engage their thinking and their cooperation. It will also help them to deal with their feelings and the feelings of others, teach them to manage conflict and to see themselves as able to solve problems that they encounter in their lives
- setting and enforcing negotiable and non-negotiable rules
- promoting the separation of reality and fantasy by encouraging your children to report events accurately (young children may lie or steal; without thinking their children are doomed to a life of crime, and without blame or humiliation, parents can kindly confront children when these things happen and help them to set the story straight or make amends)
- giving them the opportunity to make decisions about things that effect them, to the degree that their judgment allows
- assigning chores to encourage development of a cooperative spirit, a sense of belonging and being needed in the family, and a sense of responsibility
The tasks of 12 to 18 year olds include:
- establishing their own identity
- separating emotionally from parents
- experimenting with different values and deciding their own values
- learning about how to relate to the opposite sex
- beginning to renegotiate relationships with family members as a teenager
Although parents often approach their children’s adolescent years with trepidation, many teens weather the storms of the age with little stress, and with great enthusiasm for and healthy involvement in all aspects of a well-rounded life. Teens often use their new intellectual ability to think abstractly and can be very creative, energetic, idealistic, compassionate, altruistic and engaging. This is the age when passionate involvement in ‘causes’ often becomes a prominent focus of a teen’s life. Social/peer relations are very important in their lives and often serve as a transition between dependence on the family/parents and complete independence of the adult years. Their social relationships also serve as a testing ground for relating to the opposite sex and for leadership/group membership roles.
Some teenagers are emotionally volatile and moody during these years, and suffer from severe anxieties and uncertainties as they confront the many different changes they are experiencing socially, emotionally, intellectually and physically.
In their efforts to feel separate from their parents and become their own person, many teens often become very critical of all that their parents do and say and believe in. To help them with this separation, the peer group becomes very important to them. At this time, friends seem to be valued more than family by many teens. The peer group becomes their new ‘security blanket’ by allowing them to partially cast off the family that has nurtured and protected them so that they can forge their own way in the world. It is only in later adolescence or young adulthood that they become less dependent on their peers, more truly independent and more sure of themselves and their identities; then they are able once again to re-connect fully with their parents.
As a parent of a twelve to eighteen year old, you can support your child in accomplishing the tasks of this age by:
- gradually turning over decision-making to your teen: allowing your teen to make decisions about things that effect their lives to the extent that their judgment permits
- matching their increased judgment and responsibility with increased privileges
- re-negotiating old rules to give more control to your teen over his life, in recognition of his greater judgment
- remembering that even if your teen seems to be pushing you away, he really does still want to stay connected; find new ways to connect
- continuing to set firm rules and limits about safety matters and important values – you are still the parent and have the ultimate authority in your home
- setting and following through with consequences
- choosing your battles – you might let issues about clothing or appearance go
- continuing to let your teen know what your values are
- being a good role model
- encouraging healthy peer involvement; make your home teen friendly without compromising your values
- supporting involvement in activities that interest your teen
- continuing to monitor friendships, academic performance, internet/technology use; step in if you feel your child needs guidance or limits
- celebrating his growing up and growing independence
For more detailed information about the other parts of The Unique Child, read the text articles posted in the Parenting Information Library on our website.
