The Skill of Re-Framing
The words we use when we talk to our children about them or their behavior have a strong impact on our children’s self-image. Interestingly, our words also influence our own thoughts, perspectives and attitudes. Simply by changing the words we use to describe our children, we can change how our children see and think about themselves and how we see and think of them.
This process, called re-framing, is a great skill to have when dealing with behaviors that are temperamentally challenging . It involves modifying how we think about what we see or how we perceive something. The behavior or situation remains the same; it is our attitudes and reactions that change.
When we re-frame, we view or describe a situation or behavior more positively, with a broader understanding and, therefore, more clearly and accurately than we did before. Because re-framing is a way for us to find the good in our children’s behavior, it is a subtle but powerful way to promote healthier attitudes toward our children and to raise their self-esteem.
Here is an example of re-framing: instead of thinking of a child as unpredictable, we can think of him as flexible or as a creative problem solver.
Following are some negative labels or descriptions that parents might use to describe children who are at an extreme of some of the temperament continuums, along with ‘re-framed’ descriptions.*
| Old Label |
New Label |
| Stubborn |
Assertive, willing to persist in the face of difficulties: knows his mind and what he wants |
| Wild |
Energentic |
| Distractible |
Perceptive |
| Picky |
Selective, Discriminating |
| Demanding |
Knows clearly what he wants |
| Inflexible |
Traditional; does not like change |
| Manipulative |
Knows how to get needs met, charismatic |
| Anxious, nervous |
Cautious |
| Explosive |
Dramatic |
| Nosy |
Curious, inquisitive |
| Loud |
Enthusiastic, zestful |
| Argumentative |
Opinionated, strongly committed to goals |
*From Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
In each of these examples, by changing the way parents think about their children’s behavior, they can cultivate a very different attitude about it and therefore send a very different message that shows understanding, acceptance and appreciation.
When parents use more positive words to describe behavior, their children are more likely to feel better about themselves. It can be very helpful for children to learn to identify their own temperament traits, accept them and learn to manage them. Parents can help children to do this through the messages they send about their children’s temperament-related behavior by using the skill of re-framing to describe the trait. This will help children to get a clearer and more positive picture of who they are.
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